Demonology Forum perspective "Writing Self-Forgiveness on how the Fear of myself developed"

Original post: http://demons.desteni.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=729&p=1456#p1456

Ok I suggest we start here with specific self forgiveness - I will show you how to take the information I indicate and find the key points to write self forgiveness on. Basically on each line I indicate you will look at where the point originated, how you have designed it through participation, and what are the thoughts, feelings, emotions associated. We will work with one point at a time before moving on.

Fear of myself.

[quote]Well, from an early age. Angry mother, made excuses for things "done wrong". Said imaginary friends did it. Learned deception/manipulation to cope. Better to be on her good side. Thus, a mask for always and our relationship is personality-based = in memories.[/quote]

Ok here you have already given us the relevant information of when and with who and how this happened - as well as a general overview of the memories that would be associated with it. Now it is necessary also for you to indicate what were your reactions, backchat thoughts, fears and behaviors developed.

For example:

Taking the point apart with self forgiveness:

With Self Forgiveness you want to start with the identifying firstly the core issue. Therefore your first line of self forgiveness is going to be very basic and from there you start exploring the who, what, how, when etc (all the info listed above) and bring that through into Self Forgiveness - I will show you how

The Structure of Self Forgiveness:

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself…

Accepting: In this statement you are saying that you firstly forgive yourself for accepting the existence of the point as it is as it exists within your world and yourself - this could be the action, the words or the idea itself.

Allowing: In this statement you are forgiving yourself for allowing yourself to participate in the use of the word as the value you have given it and the deed - as the 'living part of a word'. So as an example:

(back to your writings)

[quote]Well, from an early age. Angry mother, made excuses for things "done wrong". Said imaginary friends did it. Learned deception/manipulation to cope. Better to be on her good side. Thus, a mask for always and our relationship is personality-based = in memories.[/quote]

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with my mother for using excuses.

Here you will see I have taken the first part of your statement and directly done self forgiveness on it.

Now the key with self forgiveness is not just to do 'general self forgiveness statements as I have done here and then move on. The key principle is to really go into each point - each part of your writings and see how deep you can go into the point. The deeper one goes into the point - the more effective you will be in releasing yourself from the entirety of the point as the entirety of the design of it. The Design of it - if you remember from my writings above - is to look at how, in relations to who, why, where, when and any reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and memories that are associated with the point.

So how do I know I am being specific enough?

Here one could take one part of the sentence and write out all the associated points for example:

[quote]"Angry with my mother for using excuses"[/quote]

(example)
"I remember sitting there listening to her making up excuses and I became so angry. I thought to myself you lying cow, it did not happen like that and now you are just making up excuses. Then I thought well I am not going to help you any more because you are just a liar. Then I started ignoring her and after that every time she would ask me to help I would lie and walk away. After a few years of listening to this I found myself talking badly about her to other family members and I really resented her because I felt she could not be trusted."

Now you have more information from which you are able to write self forgiveness. And as you will see in a moment - each time you write a line of self forgiveness you might find that the new point also requires expansion. This will happen if while writing you realize more. Allow yourself to write out self forgiveness on everything that 'comes up inside you' in relation to the point.

For example:

(now I take the first line from the expanded part - and well see what 'comes up' for further expansion)

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into backchat thoughts towards my mother of 'you lying cow' as a reaction to what I was hearing.

Now you observe if there is more coming up inside yourself in relation to the above self forgiveness statement - you could for example have the following:

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to yell at her 'you lying cow' as a reaction to what she was saying
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'you silly bitch' as reaction to what she was saying
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to slap her across the face, because of my anger towards what she was saying

Now you have written out in more detail any further experiences you remember having in relation to the 'lying cow part'. Now you are ready to move on to the next point:

[quote]Then I thought well I am not going to help you any more because you are just a liar.[/quote]

I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to assist my mother in the future simply because I was reacting in anger to what she said.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into reaction of the mind as spitefulness (here you are naming the game of what you were doing) - because of what she said
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to punish my mother (here you are naming the game) for what she said by deliberately not wanting to assist her in the future, instead of letting the moment go through breathing.

Here you will notice I added : "instead of letting the moment go through breathing." This you can add if within the self forgiveness statement you have a realization of what you could have. Now you are self forgiving more than the original acceptance and allowance but also the acceptance and allowance of not correcting yourself in the moment, when actually the correction exists in you already as an understanding of what would have been best. You wont necessarily always add that part, so don’t worry if nothing comes up.

Now lets see if you can follow this example and do SF on the next point - using the flow as I indicated of simply writing out self forgiveness on everything that you remember or realize within the point you are working with:

Examples for the next point

"I found myself talking badly about her to other family members and I really resented her because I felt she could not be trusted."


I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to talk badly about my mother to other family members simply out of spitefulness and resentment
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use spitefulness and resentment as a tool of manipulation within myself to want to punish another, simply because I don’t know how else to deal with what is happening
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to manipulate others into thinking badly of my mother
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use resentment and anger and manipulation as a means of protecting myself - because I don’t know how else to stand up to my mother
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to protect myself against what my mother say, because I am afraid of what she will say
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of what my mother will say, because I hold the belief that 'mothers shouldn't lie'
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of what my mother might say because I am afraid that I will follow through on what she says and someday get hurt
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my mother is evil for what she says
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that this situation with my mother is beyond my control, instead of simply letting go of what she say and realizing that I am not defined by what she says.
I Forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what my mother says or does.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self trust in another instead of trusting myself here as the breath, self responsible for me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not trust myself and therefore depend on the actions of others to determine my experience

Those were some basic examples - if you find some to be relevant please continue adding self forgiveness. Then see if you can now walk the following statement within specificity using SF:

[quote] Learned deception/manipulation to cope[/quote]

(do what you are able to and I will add suggestions of necessary - remember to support yourself to write out the Sf by asking yourself questions, what happens when I see, hear, experience this? When do I do it, what happens next, does something change or do I then do something new. Who do I involve? What are my feelings/emotions/fears, backchat thoughts in relation to the point? Is there more to it?)

DesteniIProcess Support: Moving through Resistances while Blogging/Vlogging

This is a support Blog for those who are experiencing difficulty moving through resistances as they Blog and Vlog in general or specifically within the DesteniIProcess. If you find that your mind as ‘BackChat’ is constantly telling you through thoughts, feelings or pictures that you are not changing, not ‘feeling’ better, not moving or that you are not experiencing yourself differently – then here are some basic guidelines to identify whether you are in a point of self-doubt as self-sabotage or if the points you are self forgiving require further direction as a point of specific self-correction. The point of the entire process is for us to apply ourselves within the material and to document our day to day experiences and any realisations we have.

If one for example starts doubting whether you should be in the DesteniIProcess due to you not changing – then the point here is that you are not questioning whether you should be a part of the DIP - however you 'feel' that your blogs and vlogs are ineffective because you are not experiencing any change because you are fearing actual letting go and changing. This fear as you are able to see for yourself is not real - it is an accepted role you have taken on in your life due to who you are with and who and what you fear losing if you change. You might find that you don't feel you are effectively moving through the points because you are dependent on someone in a relationship. The Mind will tell you through ‘BackChat’ that you or your blog/vlogs are ‘not good enough’ or that ‘the process does not work’ – however what is really happening is that you are actually not willing to change as you are dependent on and have accepted yourself as you are due to survival linked to ego, money or a point of self-acceptance existent currently within your world. The hardest part I found when faced with letting go of my past definitions of ‘not being good enough and being stupid’ so that I could accept me – was actually... letting go of the self-definition of ‘not being good enough and feeling stupid’. Therefore for our self forgiveness to be effective we have to make the decision to let go of those self definitions within realising they are not who we are and are not what is best for all/ourselves. If you do not yet see Self within this ‘Equality Equation’ then your self-forgiveness is useless. So I suggest the following:

Make a list of all the points you have been working on over the last few months. Then next to each point you write down where within the point have you not been able to stop and self forgive. Then you write down why you have not let go and forgiven and self corrected. Here you will start observing an interesting point - where you are holding onto points/the past because you are in conflict with your current role as you have accepted it within your world. Then the next step is to observe: is direct change as self correction required to change a pattern or does a pattern simply require daily writing as support - such as:

I Accept me
I Am here
I stop limiting myself
I love me
I Support me
I Direct me in all situations as what is best for me, as that which is best for all
I Breath
I stop Self definition according to people/things and events outside of me, I stand here the same always as Self-Acceptance in Self Support.

These self corrective statements - which you could call ‘affirmation’s I have had to speak and write at some stage daily for months - as a point of re-programming. This information is specifically in relation to self-definitions you are de and re programming within yourself. The other patterns where you actually have to stop participating in your world such as:

allowing abuse
allowing abusive conversations
allowing abusive relationships
compromising around people and places

- these environment/people specific patterns you will only change by stopping and not participating – which becomes part of your common sense development. This is your personal process because only you in your self-honesty will be able to make the decisions necessary to stop accepting and allowing (self) abusive patterns within your world.

First observe the above mentioned points and perhaps this can become something you can do short blogs or vlogs about. A suggestion - take it slow - take one point you observe and vlog or blog about it - breathe and do the next vlog when you are ready to apply the next point such as breaking a pattern through non participation/breathing. Then this allows you to make a few Vlogs because one pattern will consist of many environmental factors/triggers points/memories/feelings/thoughts/physical behaviors. Explore one pattern to its fullest and go as deep as you see. Each Vlog can for example be about one point within a pattern:

1. Abusive friendships: The words spoken
2. Abusive friendships: What my friends represent about me
3. Abusive friendships: How I created the friendship as a pattern from my childhood
4. Abusive friendships: When I allow anger within friendships
5. Abusive friendships: Self Forgiveness
6. Abusive friendships: Self Correction and Self-responsibility

Remember not to use people's names -the vlogs are an overview of your experience within the pattern. By you slowing the entire point down and opening a point up you are showing others how to do it.